Cyril fought the urge to panic and attempt to flee. The tabby cat had his tail in a tight grip and he was not prepared to leave without it. He turned his head slightly, trying to hide the fear in his eyes, and looked at his assailant. She was staring straight back at him, an evilly smug grin on her face.
“I’ve got a score to settle with you,” she told him.
Cyril gulped. Farmer Jones’ cat had a score to settle with just about anything that moved. And a few things that did not. (Mostly because they were paralysed with fright or she had just knocked them senseless - or lifeless.) Worse still, her usual method of settling scores involved playfully smacking her opponent about before tearing their throat out.
The last time the two of them had met, Cyril had a sword. And body armour. And a tall pole up which he had been able to climb and escape. This time he did not have a sword. Or body armour. He scanned around him. He did not even have a pole. He was stuffed. All he could do was pray.
Cyril lifted his head to the heavens. “Thank you, God.”
Puzzled by this behaviour, the farm cat followed his gaze skywards. The platinum dildo hit her square between the eyes and then both cat and key ring fell to the ground beside Cyril. With the cat’s grip relaxed, he wasted no time jumping free and turning to survey the new development.
“Oh ‘eck,” said Jimmy the magpie as he landed. “I seem to ‘ave dropped my key ring again.”
“Yep.” Cyril agreed, his eyes fixed on the cat.
“It’s a slippery bugger,” explained Jimmy.
“Next time, I’d recommend holding it by the chain end.”
Jimmy nodded. “Good idea, lad.” He looked at the cat. “She OK?”
Cyril shrugged. The cat wasn’t moving.
“What a way to go – hit on the head with a platinum dildo.”
The cat’s tail twitched.
“I don’t think she’s dead,” Cyril whispered out of the corner of his mouth, taking a step backwards. “And when she wakes up, I know she’s going to be pissed.”
Jimmy hopped over to the key ring as the cat’s tail twitched. “Good point. See ya then!”
Cyril had already broken into a run. “Bye!”
By the time the cat sat up, nursing a bad headache and wondering what had happened, both bird and squirrel were long gone.
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